...change is gonna come...

There's been a lot going on. And that is the biggest understatement of my life. I'll update you later, but for now...got a new blog...it's for funsies. I'll still do my "theraputic writing" here.

check it if you like.

www.krystinbehannon.tumblr.com

...there's a war outside my heart and mind...

Oh, hey. Good to see you. It's been a while. Things going good? Great!

A lot has been happening the past month or so here in Texas. A lot of good, a little indifferent, but not too much bad - with the exception of the weather, of course....hello, spring in southeast texas. While I've got you, I guess I'll go ahead and fill you in.

For about two months, I've been having these very vivid dreams where I'm sitting at some of my favorite places with my favorite places in Nashville...Jackson's with Rachel, Fido with Stoltz, Centennial with Jess, etc...and every time it turns into a sort of scene from "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" and things start slowly popping out of the picture until suddenly I'm standing in a white room. When I turn around, I face a group of about 5-8 of my juniors - both guys and girls from both Young Life & Youth Group. No one says anything...but they're all looking at me like they're waiting on an answer. And then I wake up. So confused, I pray. Two words that were first heard as a whisper and are now a sure and peaceful reassurance: not yet. I will admit: I was not happy at first. I couldn't believe that He would want me to wait even longer, further putting off my dreams and hopes and loves. I know that He makes all things work together for my good, but I just couldn't see the good in this. But a week went by and I prayed and realized my selfishness "not mine, but your will" ...it's not the seniors, it's not the sophomores. It's just the juniors. They've opened their hearts and let me in. They've allowed me to invest in them and in turn have taught me so much. So, one more year. One more year to stand beside them and cheer them on as they journey into "life as we know it". One more year to spend with my family. One more year to hang out with my best friends. One more year to really taste and see that the Lord is good.

Today, I leave for Dallas. It will be my second time there in two months. It is my best friend's birthday weekend extravaganza. I love traveling. I love getting to spend time with friends that I don't normally get to see. I'm just hoping for good weather.

It's been a long time since I've been really challenged in my faith; learning new things, yes...but challenged, not so much. By some circumstance that I'll never understand, the Lord has plopped a woman into my life who is challenging me to think. To think about my beliefs and why I really believe them. And it is so refreshing. Needless to say, I think I'm gonna be racking up some more southwest points this year.

There's a lot going on inside my mind. And I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to do with all of my thoughts. But for now, I know that it is enough.

...you got some kinda nerve...

With each new day on this earth, I learn something new about myself. Sometimes, though, I'm just refreshed as to certain personality traits that I have. Over the past three months, I've seen one of the core truths of who I am come into the spotlight and shine brighter than anything else in me.

This truth is: I cannot stand stupid people.

Obvious statement? Yes. Yes, it is. Let me expound to you for a moment. We all know the state of my heart in regards to my high school friends. I love them. I love them without fail. I count myself very fortunate to be able to work with them on a consistent weekly basis (four days a week; twice with Young Life and twice with Youth Group). I love my fellow Young Life leaders. They are kids at heart, just like me. And I get along with most of the Youth Group workers, even if a lot of their beliefs are swinging to the far, far right. To each his own. I've encountered a woman, however, who is really giving me a challenge. She is just about as ignorant as they come. No, really. She's the kind of woman who makes you mad to be a woman. Or, if any fellas (really, krystin?) read this, she's the kind of woman who makes you cringe when you hear her name. uuuuughgghhhh....heebie jeebies.

Moving on, she seems to think that she is better than me....which I can assure you, she is not. That is problem numero uno for me. I can't stand people who think that they are so worthy of everything that they get. I have made solid connections with my high school girls. I've invested precious time and lots of money into making sure that they are happy, have someone to talk to and so they know that they are loved. They, for reasons I cannot explain, think I'm cool (I can assure you, I am not). But she (the woman) can't stand that. It's a competition for her, which I highly detest. You can't put the opinions of vulnerable 15-18 year old girls up as bait for your own benefit. It's sadistic and it's wrong. Any idea I have, she is the first one to shoot it down. She is the first one to accuse me of living a less-than-righteous lifestyle (which is the very essence of why me and christianity don't always get along. How can you claim to be a Jesus-follower when all you do is point the finger? But, I digress). And what's weird to think is there is a time when we were good friends. Real good friends. But, she decided to steal the rug from right under my feet and I chose to, rather than fight, walk away. So, she comes begging for forgiveness wrapping her apology with "but it's not my fault that you misunderstood me"...which is not an apology. Lady Shanks-a-lot. I, in time, forgave her. But things never were the same. Which is fine by me. I still wanted nothing to do with her, mainly because she lies to make herself look better in front of the girls. Again, I detest that. Is your life that meaningless that you look to the approval of 15-18 year old girls? I love them, but their opinion of me doesn't matter. My goal, on a daily basis, is to love them so that they can see the love of the Father. These girls know that I make bad choices sometimes. They know that I have not always done what is "right." But one thing that they know for sure is that I would never, under any circumstance, lie to them about anything.

The end. Not. I get an occasional text from her- which I consider a cop out, as far as means of communication are concerned - saying that basically I'm a horrible role model for being "worldly." WHAT?!?! Did you really need to go there. Which is always followed by an "I'm not trying to make you mad, I just think you should know" type of text. Again, Lady Shanks-a-lot. Sunday morning was one of my girl's birthday. So I brought cupcakes. I was told to wait til afterword to hand them out. Then, conveniently, time ran out. No cupcakes were given (see also: me being out $30) and I was given a look that read "haha. I win." Go ahead, take it. I spent the rest of the day with that girl talking and laughing and celebrating her life. What did you do? Nothing? Congrats. Again. You win. You always do.

I mean, I really hope she doesn't want to put her life up against mine as a contest. Because even though I think it's a ridiculous idea, I know I would win. Hands down. I've been further, seen more, met more, have done more than she could ever dream of. She's married to a man that she consistently argues with (again, we were real good friends...you don't want to be on my bad side when I've seen who you truly are) and has two children that make her feel tied down (her words, not mine).

I'm over it. She's not worth my time. And yes, I did tell her that. I just needed it to be completely off my chest so I don't have to worry about it anymore. Time is too valuable.

In other news, I get my tax refund this week. Hello iPhone. I can't wait to join the masses. Phone bill, not so much a fan of, but I digress. Time to be a big girl. I've lived a year and a half with no bills. I think I can take it.

Loving the new Fray record. Get it. Was on the fence. Now, I love it.

No more drama.

...your best intentions may not be enough...

I learn something new everyday. There is, however, one thing that seems to be resonating with me here lately...and that is: (for the most part) all people are the same. If nothing else, people are all the same in my life. Everyone I know, with the exception of two, have let me down (but those two are perfect, so it doesn't really count.) It seems like everyone likes to watch me hurt, and for some reason, the jokes on me. Tonight, I was slapped by the reality that the one person in my life who has consistently been an image of strength, hope, persistence, and encouragement now falls into that category of "everyone I know."

It hurts to know that not only was I lied to, but this woman lied to my face. I've never been anything less than honest with her. I've never been so hurt in all of my life. And to find out the way I did, it feels like I've been kicked in the stomach.

The only thing I've ever asked was to be a part of people's lives. To not be there for this is the worst. I feel betrayed. And it's ruining my weekend.

...i don't believe you...

New Years has never been a favorite holiday for me. It's always unbelievably awkward or unbelievably boring or just a blur. Last year, I went and saw P.S. I Love You by myself at 1030 and then got home and went to bed. The year before that, I spent with some great friends after a wedding weekend and kissed a boy who is now married. I thought this year was going to be wonderful.

I flew back in to Nashville for yet another wedding and started the day with friends. Picking up some from the airport, visiting with others that I haven't seen in over a year and then with my best friend watching the "on-screen love of my life". I then get back to her apartment, shower up and am putting on my makeup to go to a pre-wedding get-together. Just a typical Wednesday evening. And then it happened. My damn phone rang.

I don't know why he thinks he can just waltz in and out of my life as he pleases, when he pleases, but I'm tired of it. How am I supposed to put on my makeup when I can't help but cry? I really don't think he has any idea of just how stressed out and how much of a whirlwind he can send me on with just a single word. It drives me absolutely crazy! I mean really? Do you really expect everything to be just fine just because you say you're sorry? What if I'm not ready to just treat it like water under a bridge? unbelievable.

dear taylor swift,

how did you know? regardless, sing me to sleep.

all this time i was wasting hoping you would come around

i've been giving out chances every time but all you do is let me down

and it's taken me this long, baby, but i've figured you out

and you're thinking we'll be fine again but not this time around

you don't have to call anymore

i won't pick up the phone

this is the last straw

don't want to hurt anymore

and you can tell me that you're sorry

but i don't believe you, baby, like i did before

you're not sorry

you're looking so innocent, i might believe you if i didn't know

i could've loved you all my life if you hadn't left me waiting in the cold

and you've got your share of secrets but i'm tired of being less than known

now you're asking me to listen because it's worked each time before

you got me going for you honey and it never would've gone away

you used to shine so bright but i watched all of it fade

you don't have to call anymore

i won't pick up the phone

this is the last straw

there's nothing left to beg for

and you can tell me that you're sorry

but i don't believe you, baby like i did before

you're not sorry

...no, she doesn't believe...

If anyone knows me, they know one thing about me: I have a heart for High School students. I get the greatest thrill in getting to know them and to share my heart; letting them know that it's okay to be weird or awkward and to not know what's going to be the next step in their lives. Which is such a gracious statement - a sigh of relief, if you will - to me...because Lord knows I still have no clue what's going on. At both Young Life and with my church youth group, we've come back to one topic recently: Forgiveness. Go figure, right? Christians talking about forgiveness...as if its a foreign subject. But we've been talking about deeper forgiveness like what the unforgivable sins are (or if any...and there is...only one, though) or what our thoughts are on suicide or what about the innermost secluded tribes in Africa who have no idea of civilization, let alone Jesus, and how forgiveness affects them. In all of this talk, I have confidence because I know what I believe and I stand behind it. And at the same time, I feel unresolved. I'm forgiven, but I don't forgive the one person I really should: myself.

It's a weird concept, and if you were to really think about it, I think you'd agree. To me, its so easy to tell someone else that their mistakes are okay or forgotten about, but for some reason, I hold tight to mine. Mistakes ranging from lying to my parents about where I was for a weekend in the Summer of 05 to my last night in Nashville walking to his door. That never should have happened. And I think, in his own weird way, he's letting me know that. In not forgiving myself, I also give up on myself. Don't get me wrong, I am completely okay with being single. I do, however, "crush" a lot...a...LOT. But, I find myself wondering who's gonna want to be my roommate in 10 years, because I probably still won't be married. I'm in no rush, but I would like for a guy...just one to look at me the way that my dad looks at my mom. I give up on myself in other ways, too. It's just that one seems to sting the most.

It is now November. And with that comes the saddest truth in my life: I have officially been in Texas for a year. 6 months longer than what I wanted, and still there's 6 months to go until I'm home. I'm making the most of it, working and saving, trying to learn whatever lesson I'm supposed to be learning. But in all of this, the one thing I'm learning is that I belong in Nashville. I belong in Nashville more than anyone I can think of...and when I close my eyes at night and pull the covers up, if I listen carefully, I can hear her calling me. I've tuned her out for far too long. I've been complacent with who, where, and what I am, and its time to finally take my stand and take my life back.

I've made some careless mistakes with my life - in the choices of friends, jobs, etc. Now is the time to forgive. Forgive myself. Allow myself to finally move on and reach my full potential.

I wake to the clouds surrounding me on every side.
My soul is swimming in the rain of my tears.
I find my heart in a thousand pieces on the ground,
But surely, the sunset will take my breath away
Surely, this heart will see a brighter day.

I look up ahead a mountain is all I see.
And walls - what are you doing in front of me?
Winds of passion are roaring deep "I must be free."
No matter how high or how steep there's no stopping me

Surely, the beauty is worth the pain.
Surely, the unseen is holding me.

The wind blows, my faith arose.
The sun falls and I long for you.
Surely, the sunset will take my breath away.

...open up my eyes to the things unseen...

I had a dream last night that was quite entertaining. SPB showed up and tried to explain the reasoning behind why he hasn't been who he always was to me. I don't remember everything, but it did involve: moving to L.A., being on the set of No Country for Old Men, getting shot at, and recovering from an old flame. My first thought when I woke up was what a waste!

I can feel the Lord pulling me into a new season. Kicking and screaming, of course, but still pressing forward. My eyes have been completely opened up to what I've been blind to for so long. Life is chock full of harsh realities, and last night - while driving to get gelato with my best friend - I found the source of my discouragement...in the most unlikely person, and the last person I would've ever thought it to be.
I almost got into a wreck last night. Through my tears, I begged of God that He would open my eyes to see myself through his eyes. Instantaneously, I had a vision. I walked into my parents' office and approached my mom's desk. I don't believe that I was actually there because no one seemed to see me. A fly on the wall, if you will. She hangs up the phone and rolls her eyes and lets out a grunt, then begins to complain about everything - the person she just got of the phone with, how annoying her co-workers are, etc. Not a moment later, my dad walks in looking chipper. He's carrying my mom's favorite Starbucks drink and sets it down for her with a smile on his face. He's looking at her with so much love, and all she does is look up at him, cutting her eyes, and says where's my change? My dad says there wasn't any...I gave all I had. It was then that he turned and walked away and suddenly I was in front of him and was able to see the look of sheer heartbreak on his face. Everything faded away into dark and I sat there all alone in my car hoping that when I asked God my next question, He wouldn't confirm my fears. Was I becoming my mother? Yes. My dad played the role of our God - our Loving God, our Nurturing God, our Father God - giving everything he had and wanting to give me the desires of my heart, and it wasn't good enough for me. I still wanted my change.
I have been completely broken. I am so far beyond repair and I don't feel worthy of Him or His love. But He still gives it. I don't feel like a Princess, a daughter of the King. But that's who He says I am. I am so tired of running, so tired of having to bandage my hands after trying to pick up the broken pieces that are left of me.
I'm learning to be careful what I wish for. I ask for eyes to see, I get them. It's not the most pleasant thing in life, but I don't believe for a second that life was intended to be perfect.

My heart is healed. I haven't felt so alive in a long, long time.

And just so you know, I pray for you everyday. I pray that God protects you, wherever you are. That He's working in your heart, just as He is in mine, and that He's sculpting you into His perfect image. That you are able to relay the message of His love, His perfect love to everyone who comes in contact with you and is willing to give you a listen. I pray that you get every recognition you deserve and you receive a hundred fold of what you've given. I pray everyday that you are falling in love with Him. And I pray that you are praying for me, too. And I pray that the Lord teaches me to love people the way you do, without any inhibition.

My only problem in all of this is confronting the person who makes me feel the lowest. How do you do that. There should be a manual for that...