...safe til st. patrick's day...

I think, for sure, February is the best month to get your heart broken. Random thought, I know, but I'm certain it's true. If I can stand to see so many happy couples and still be okay with not having a "love of my own," nothing can hurt me.

The beauty of a broken heart, in my opinion, comes in dissecting it. I've spent the past couple of weeks in a very introspective mode trying to figure out why I am the way I am. And I thought I had it penned down when the words of a friend confirmed my every thought.

I am a mistress.
No, not like that. Let me explain.

I will do anything to take care of the guy that I truly care about. I'll feed him. I'll make creative gifts for him. I'll take him shopping to show him what looks best on him. I'll send him little notes with gift cards. I'll help him when he needs help at his house. I'll take care of his friends and make sure they feel welcome when they come to town. I'll bring him soup when he's sick and rub his back after a bad day. I'll show up at his work with his favorite treat for no reason at all. I'll do everything in my power to keep a smile on his face. In doing this, I've found that the guy usually gets used to it and, in turn, becomes needful of my time and attention which I, of course, am more than willing to give. He starts to turn to me for advice or to call me when new things are happening in his life that he's excited about. I start to feel comfortable with the casual flirting and the back and forth of it all when...it happens.

I get the call.
The one that brings me to my knees.
He's in love.
But not with me.

But of course, he still wants all the benefits that come with being my person of interest, just without the "person of interest" part. There's awkward tension between the girlfriend and I because, although we weren't "dating", he still considers me to be one of his best friends and I'm sure that he tells her the things I do for him that she, of course, does not. And at the end of the day, I'm the mistress. I'm the woman he needs, but not the woman he wants. And he, just like the ones before him, is too blind to see this.

And its not always the girl thing. Sometimes, its just that they don't want a relationship or worse yet, me. Which is more like this last thing, for sure. And like I've said...that's okay. It hurts less and less each day. And that's all I really want.

I know that one day some lucky guy will see me for what I am and not only need me but want me. For now, I'm just trying to figure out the balance of being a good friend and crossing the line. Hey, I have to remember to guard my heart too, right?


It's cold outside. Nothing make me happier than the cold. Something about big sweatshirts, hot chocolate and a nice brisk breeze to make me feel warm and fuzzy inside...contradictory as that seems...