...all i know is that i should...

It's pretty unreal just how fast the time has gone by. I've been here since November 11, 2007 at 5: 42 a.m. and I can't figure where the past 5 months have gone.

I should be packing my bags in one month and 2 weeks to go home, but I don't think even Houdini could pull that off. I've received two very enticing offers to come home to. Both start on June 1. There's just so much at stake and I want to do it right this time. Maybe I can pull it off, but maybe I can't...who knows. Anything is possible.

In exactly one month, my best friend will be married. Wow. I can't seem to get my mind wrapped around that concept. It came so fast...too fast. There's just not enough time. Am I excited for her? Absolutely. Whatever makes her happy, makes me happy. I think just the thought of marriage in general terrifies me.

And in the same breath, my heart is aching. I've never taken this long to bounce back from a fall this hard. Its like he doesn't say a word, but he won't leave me alone. I see his mouth in a TV interview, I see his truck pass me on the interstate, I hear his laugh down the hall at work. He's giving me those amazing hugs through my friends. He's playing every song that comes up on my iPod. I have no escape. I just want to be free...I just want to move on...

I think I'm in hate with myself. I think I made a subconscious decision to just let go of everything that was important to me the minute I walked through this door. I feel numb to what should matter. I miss the comfort of a little porch swing in East Nashville and the beauty of my most amazing mentor showering love all over me on a daily basis. I long for dinner with my bests at jackson's on the patio with sunglasses on and a nice breeze and discussing our shoes and insecurities. I'm dying for some sort of community where I can pour my heart out and in turn be encouraged to make a difference.

I found a church that brings me life. I found it in December, but have only made a trip to it once a month, seeing as its 2 hours away from me. And how excited was I that they announced last Sunday a "Styles Your Soles" party! TOMS is a huge chunk of my heart. I can't wait. May 18. The Loft in The Woodlands. 1 p.m. I'm there!

I feel like these never make much sense...I don't think I'm a good "blogger". Everyone else seems to be funny or write about specific topics or at least make points. I tend to jut type until I feel better.

I don't know who I am, who I am with out you...