...you're shakin' me up so...

I had the craziest dream on Sunday. It really was strange. I was driving home with my favorite friend after one of the best weekends I've had since being back in Texas. Then, my phone started ringing; playing a song I haven't heard in quite a while. It was his song. It was SPB.

I panicked. I hesitated. I looked at my friend, then down at my phone. It seemed as if the phone had been ringing for an hour. In a fit of every emotion a human can feel all at once, I hit the answer button. Then, I hear it. His voice...and it was like he was never gone. The first words out of his mouth? "I'm sorry." I felt numb. My heart sank as he filled me in on what has kept him at an arm's length. And at the same time I felt upset when he muttered that he missed me. Every word out of his mouth was a searing pain and a soaring joy. I laughed. I listened. I closed my eyes. I held my breath. He said it again: "I really do miss you." And with no strength to fight anymore, I collapsed into my words..."I miss you, too."

Before I knew it, twenty minutes had passed. And just as soon as he came back to me, he was gone. I opened my eyes to wake from the dream. Only, there was one problem:

I had never been asleep.

Four months of silence. Four months! It only took twenty minutes to send my recovery into a spiral. I thought I was beginning to write a new chapter. That weekend had helped me close everything up. He must have felt me letting go. I had seen some of my favorite people on the face of this earth, listened to a great friend tear up the stage at Island Party, and just all around felt free.

Wait...I should've known better. Life has a funny way of pulling the rug out from under me. And I have a funny way of forgetting that. Just as soon as I get comfortable, I find myself flat on my face with no strength to pick myself up.

So, what now? Where do you go from here?

Here you come again
Just when I've begun to get myself together
You waltz right in the door
Just like you've done before
And wrap my heart 'round your little finger

Here you come again
Just when I'm about to make it work without you
You look into my eyes
And lie those pretty lies
And pretty soon I'm wonderin' how I came to doubt you

All you have to do is smile that smile
And there go all my defenses
Just leave it up to you and in a little while
You're messin' up my mind and fillin' up my senses

It's another daily battle that I have to, reluctantly, fight alone. All the advice in the world can't help me let go. It can't help me hold on. I don't know what's best. Only one Person does. And so far, He's been rather silent.

...all I know is here you come again
and here I go....