...i'll come back when you call me...

My best friend and I had talked yesterday about dreams that sounded unrealistic, or out of character at least, and if pursuing them made us crazy. I love listening to her. She makes me think. She solves my problems and answers my questions just by talking out her own. I like to consider her my very own special miracle.

I looked in the mirror a few hours after our chat and didn't recognize myself. I spent a good bit of my night in my room praying into the open for a lot of things - my parents, my siblings, my friends, my heart, my mind, and my future. I've had a lot on my mind lately. My new job is great, I get along with everyone in my office, and they remind me every day just how glad they are to have me. They talk about getting me new equipment for the office in the next budget year...all kinds of long term talk. When this happens, my stomach sinks and I can hear a small voice in my head telling me not to settle. During my prayer time last night, I asked, pleaded, even begged the Lord to open a door or a window to show me that I'm not crazy in pursuing Nashville again.

See, I have this crazy desire to feel. For the past six months, I've been stuck in an icky rut and couldn't understand why the Lord wanted to punish me so badly. It has been the darkest time in my life - my walk struggled, my heart hardened, my body shut down. The last time I felt like myself was on November 10th, walking from my Music Row apartment to Starbucks. I can tell you even the tiniest details about that day; its still so prevalent in my mind. As upsetting as this sounds to my family and friends, Texas isn't my home. I don't belong here. The Lord gave me wings, and I soared when he did. But, after a while, I thought I could upgrade them and make them better. Before I knew it, I was crashing down to the ground. I left my wings in Nashville and have spent the past six months trying to grow new ones, knowing they wouldn't appear until I learned exactly what it is that the Lord wants me to know.

Here's what I've learned:
-As much as I think I do, I do not know what's best for me. AND I need to stop telling the Lord what should and shouldn't be in my life.
-My parents care so much for me, and I need to show my appreciation better. I truly believe that the Lord has shown me a glimpse of unconditional love through my father and mother. I've never seen two people fight so hard, even when every ounce of their strength is gone, to make sure that everyone else around them is taken care of. Selfless to a fault. I am blessed.
-Sometimes family isn't family. Sometimes friends are family. This famlee needs to be treated with just as much respect.
-Christianity isn't one huge event after another. There are times when I'll be in a valley. But as much as I hate going into it, its called the "refiner's fire" for a reason. I'll be better on the other side.
-SPB is not the one for me, and I shouldn't have let myself think anything contradictory of that. I can't make someone a priority if I'm only their option. There is a guy out there that the Lord is molding for me. Patience is a virtue.

My best friend sent me a verse today that couldn't have summarized this season of my life any better. Exodus 14:14 "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

Rewind with me a little bit. I looked in the mirror after praying to God for some sort of sign that I wasn't crazy and that I belong in Nashville. The face that looked at me was bright, clean, and peaceful. At first I was confused because I didn't feel that way. So, I shut my eyes, shook my head, and then took another glance. This time a rush of calm swept over me. And there it was...peace.

Today, I got the message. The job of my dreams is hiring, and I have a shot at getting it. Now, whether or not I get this position, the Lord answered my prayer. I am not crazy. I belong in Nashville...and it hasn't forgotten about me.

At the current moment, I'm trying not to get my hopes up. But if this all pans out the way my heart is speaking to me, I could be home in a matter of weeks.

The Lord is good. And finally, I can breathe.


There had to be a breaking for my heart to change
the winds have blown against me, but I've learned to stay
cause I can be still in the middle of a storm

You give me peace to rest my soul
inside this hurricane that blows
and I will anchor in the harbor of your love
Within my weakness you are strong
to stand against the rain that comes
you give me peace to be still
in the middle of a storm

I'll sail into the gentle waters of your heart
I'll rest within the haven of your open arms
I know where to be still in the middle of a storm
yes, I know where to be still in the middle of a storm

You give me peace to rest my soul
inside this hurricane that blows
and I will anchor in the harbor of your love
Within my weakness you are strong
to stand against the rain that comes
you give me peace to be still
in the middle of a storm

I believe my new wings are in...