...no, she doesn't believe...

If anyone knows me, they know one thing about me: I have a heart for High School students. I get the greatest thrill in getting to know them and to share my heart; letting them know that it's okay to be weird or awkward and to not know what's going to be the next step in their lives. Which is such a gracious statement - a sigh of relief, if you will - to me...because Lord knows I still have no clue what's going on. At both Young Life and with my church youth group, we've come back to one topic recently: Forgiveness. Go figure, right? Christians talking about forgiveness...as if its a foreign subject. But we've been talking about deeper forgiveness like what the unforgivable sins are (or if any...and there is...only one, though) or what our thoughts are on suicide or what about the innermost secluded tribes in Africa who have no idea of civilization, let alone Jesus, and how forgiveness affects them. In all of this talk, I have confidence because I know what I believe and I stand behind it. And at the same time, I feel unresolved. I'm forgiven, but I don't forgive the one person I really should: myself.

It's a weird concept, and if you were to really think about it, I think you'd agree. To me, its so easy to tell someone else that their mistakes are okay or forgotten about, but for some reason, I hold tight to mine. Mistakes ranging from lying to my parents about where I was for a weekend in the Summer of 05 to my last night in Nashville walking to his door. That never should have happened. And I think, in his own weird way, he's letting me know that. In not forgiving myself, I also give up on myself. Don't get me wrong, I am completely okay with being single. I do, however, "crush" a lot...a...LOT. But, I find myself wondering who's gonna want to be my roommate in 10 years, because I probably still won't be married. I'm in no rush, but I would like for a guy...just one to look at me the way that my dad looks at my mom. I give up on myself in other ways, too. It's just that one seems to sting the most.

It is now November. And with that comes the saddest truth in my life: I have officially been in Texas for a year. 6 months longer than what I wanted, and still there's 6 months to go until I'm home. I'm making the most of it, working and saving, trying to learn whatever lesson I'm supposed to be learning. But in all of this, the one thing I'm learning is that I belong in Nashville. I belong in Nashville more than anyone I can think of...and when I close my eyes at night and pull the covers up, if I listen carefully, I can hear her calling me. I've tuned her out for far too long. I've been complacent with who, where, and what I am, and its time to finally take my stand and take my life back.

I've made some careless mistakes with my life - in the choices of friends, jobs, etc. Now is the time to forgive. Forgive myself. Allow myself to finally move on and reach my full potential.

I wake to the clouds surrounding me on every side.
My soul is swimming in the rain of my tears.
I find my heart in a thousand pieces on the ground,
But surely, the sunset will take my breath away
Surely, this heart will see a brighter day.

I look up ahead a mountain is all I see.
And walls - what are you doing in front of me?
Winds of passion are roaring deep "I must be free."
No matter how high or how steep there's no stopping me

Surely, the beauty is worth the pain.
Surely, the unseen is holding me.

The wind blows, my faith arose.
The sun falls and I long for you.
Surely, the sunset will take my breath away.

...open up my eyes to the things unseen...

I had a dream last night that was quite entertaining. SPB showed up and tried to explain the reasoning behind why he hasn't been who he always was to me. I don't remember everything, but it did involve: moving to L.A., being on the set of No Country for Old Men, getting shot at, and recovering from an old flame. My first thought when I woke up was what a waste!

I can feel the Lord pulling me into a new season. Kicking and screaming, of course, but still pressing forward. My eyes have been completely opened up to what I've been blind to for so long. Life is chock full of harsh realities, and last night - while driving to get gelato with my best friend - I found the source of my discouragement...in the most unlikely person, and the last person I would've ever thought it to be.
I almost got into a wreck last night. Through my tears, I begged of God that He would open my eyes to see myself through his eyes. Instantaneously, I had a vision. I walked into my parents' office and approached my mom's desk. I don't believe that I was actually there because no one seemed to see me. A fly on the wall, if you will. She hangs up the phone and rolls her eyes and lets out a grunt, then begins to complain about everything - the person she just got of the phone with, how annoying her co-workers are, etc. Not a moment later, my dad walks in looking chipper. He's carrying my mom's favorite Starbucks drink and sets it down for her with a smile on his face. He's looking at her with so much love, and all she does is look up at him, cutting her eyes, and says where's my change? My dad says there wasn't any...I gave all I had. It was then that he turned and walked away and suddenly I was in front of him and was able to see the look of sheer heartbreak on his face. Everything faded away into dark and I sat there all alone in my car hoping that when I asked God my next question, He wouldn't confirm my fears. Was I becoming my mother? Yes. My dad played the role of our God - our Loving God, our Nurturing God, our Father God - giving everything he had and wanting to give me the desires of my heart, and it wasn't good enough for me. I still wanted my change.
I have been completely broken. I am so far beyond repair and I don't feel worthy of Him or His love. But He still gives it. I don't feel like a Princess, a daughter of the King. But that's who He says I am. I am so tired of running, so tired of having to bandage my hands after trying to pick up the broken pieces that are left of me.
I'm learning to be careful what I wish for. I ask for eyes to see, I get them. It's not the most pleasant thing in life, but I don't believe for a second that life was intended to be perfect.

My heart is healed. I haven't felt so alive in a long, long time.

And just so you know, I pray for you everyday. I pray that God protects you, wherever you are. That He's working in your heart, just as He is in mine, and that He's sculpting you into His perfect image. That you are able to relay the message of His love, His perfect love to everyone who comes in contact with you and is willing to give you a listen. I pray that you get every recognition you deserve and you receive a hundred fold of what you've given. I pray everyday that you are falling in love with Him. And I pray that you are praying for me, too. And I pray that the Lord teaches me to love people the way you do, without any inhibition.

My only problem in all of this is confronting the person who makes me feel the lowest. How do you do that. There should be a manual for that...

...i find rest in you...

My choice title for this little excerpt is quite ironic. I spent last evening in a house with 15 girls, most of whom are between 15 and 18. Young Life sleepover. It was as fun as it sounds. Until this morning - talk about a train wreck. I'm just not wired to stay up until 4 am anymore...especially when I have to be at work by 9. I find it quite ironic that I find solace in the faces of the ones who used to intimidate me. I'm more comfortable hanging around with these high school girls than I am almost anywhere else; I relate to them so well - of course, I blame my love for the disney channel, the word "like" and the Jonas Brothers, but I digress.

Really, I think my thought process right now (in the rest department) is this: there's a guy that keeps showing up in my dreams. I'm the kind of person that if I talk about something excessively, that something generally shows up in my dreams. However, this guy is hardly ever the topic of conversation with me until someone walks into my office and asks who he is (a picture of he and I are sitting on my desk), my mom asks how he's doing (she adores him) or if I randomly get a text from him. The weird thing is it's never an obvious situation when he shows up in a dream, its ALWAYS somewhere completely off the wall where he would never be. AND he always shows up to somehow save me. Last night, for example, this really scary man was walking his two larger than life dogs (they really were huge...think the movie "The Sandlot" when Squints is telling the story about "the beast"). The dogs started barking as I walk up the sidewalk trying to get to my car and one begins to lunge toward me - the owner doesn't care, if you were wondering - and just as soon as I start to jump to the left to avoid the ferocious beast, I jump into this guy's arms and all he says is "It's okay. You're okay." I look up at him and then we start walking and I woke up. It's always something like that. He's always coming to my rescue. I wonder what that means...

I think that parallels with real life quite poignantly. I feel like I'm in need of a rescue. It would be real nice if this guy were the one to really do that. I mean, he does. He's one of the best. Not many people can make me feel like I'm the only one in a room when we're surrounded. I don't love him, or really even like him. I just really appreciate him and wish I could see him more than a couple of times a month.

For now, I'm glued to the Olympics and thanking God every day for Michael Phelps.

...i'll come back when you call me...

My best friend and I had talked yesterday about dreams that sounded unrealistic, or out of character at least, and if pursuing them made us crazy. I love listening to her. She makes me think. She solves my problems and answers my questions just by talking out her own. I like to consider her my very own special miracle.

I looked in the mirror a few hours after our chat and didn't recognize myself. I spent a good bit of my night in my room praying into the open for a lot of things - my parents, my siblings, my friends, my heart, my mind, and my future. I've had a lot on my mind lately. My new job is great, I get along with everyone in my office, and they remind me every day just how glad they are to have me. They talk about getting me new equipment for the office in the next budget year...all kinds of long term talk. When this happens, my stomach sinks and I can hear a small voice in my head telling me not to settle. During my prayer time last night, I asked, pleaded, even begged the Lord to open a door or a window to show me that I'm not crazy in pursuing Nashville again.

See, I have this crazy desire to feel. For the past six months, I've been stuck in an icky rut and couldn't understand why the Lord wanted to punish me so badly. It has been the darkest time in my life - my walk struggled, my heart hardened, my body shut down. The last time I felt like myself was on November 10th, walking from my Music Row apartment to Starbucks. I can tell you even the tiniest details about that day; its still so prevalent in my mind. As upsetting as this sounds to my family and friends, Texas isn't my home. I don't belong here. The Lord gave me wings, and I soared when he did. But, after a while, I thought I could upgrade them and make them better. Before I knew it, I was crashing down to the ground. I left my wings in Nashville and have spent the past six months trying to grow new ones, knowing they wouldn't appear until I learned exactly what it is that the Lord wants me to know.

Here's what I've learned:
-As much as I think I do, I do not know what's best for me. AND I need to stop telling the Lord what should and shouldn't be in my life.
-My parents care so much for me, and I need to show my appreciation better. I truly believe that the Lord has shown me a glimpse of unconditional love through my father and mother. I've never seen two people fight so hard, even when every ounce of their strength is gone, to make sure that everyone else around them is taken care of. Selfless to a fault. I am blessed.
-Sometimes family isn't family. Sometimes friends are family. This famlee needs to be treated with just as much respect.
-Christianity isn't one huge event after another. There are times when I'll be in a valley. But as much as I hate going into it, its called the "refiner's fire" for a reason. I'll be better on the other side.
-SPB is not the one for me, and I shouldn't have let myself think anything contradictory of that. I can't make someone a priority if I'm only their option. There is a guy out there that the Lord is molding for me. Patience is a virtue.

My best friend sent me a verse today that couldn't have summarized this season of my life any better. Exodus 14:14 "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

Rewind with me a little bit. I looked in the mirror after praying to God for some sort of sign that I wasn't crazy and that I belong in Nashville. The face that looked at me was bright, clean, and peaceful. At first I was confused because I didn't feel that way. So, I shut my eyes, shook my head, and then took another glance. This time a rush of calm swept over me. And there it was...peace.

Today, I got the message. The job of my dreams is hiring, and I have a shot at getting it. Now, whether or not I get this position, the Lord answered my prayer. I am not crazy. I belong in Nashville...and it hasn't forgotten about me.

At the current moment, I'm trying not to get my hopes up. But if this all pans out the way my heart is speaking to me, I could be home in a matter of weeks.

The Lord is good. And finally, I can breathe.


There had to be a breaking for my heart to change
the winds have blown against me, but I've learned to stay
cause I can be still in the middle of a storm

You give me peace to rest my soul
inside this hurricane that blows
and I will anchor in the harbor of your love
Within my weakness you are strong
to stand against the rain that comes
you give me peace to be still
in the middle of a storm

I'll sail into the gentle waters of your heart
I'll rest within the haven of your open arms
I know where to be still in the middle of a storm
yes, I know where to be still in the middle of a storm

You give me peace to rest my soul
inside this hurricane that blows
and I will anchor in the harbor of your love
Within my weakness you are strong
to stand against the rain that comes
you give me peace to be still
in the middle of a storm

I believe my new wings are in...

...you're shakin' me up so...

I had the craziest dream on Sunday. It really was strange. I was driving home with my favorite friend after one of the best weekends I've had since being back in Texas. Then, my phone started ringing; playing a song I haven't heard in quite a while. It was his song. It was SPB.

I panicked. I hesitated. I looked at my friend, then down at my phone. It seemed as if the phone had been ringing for an hour. In a fit of every emotion a human can feel all at once, I hit the answer button. Then, I hear it. His voice...and it was like he was never gone. The first words out of his mouth? "I'm sorry." I felt numb. My heart sank as he filled me in on what has kept him at an arm's length. And at the same time I felt upset when he muttered that he missed me. Every word out of his mouth was a searing pain and a soaring joy. I laughed. I listened. I closed my eyes. I held my breath. He said it again: "I really do miss you." And with no strength to fight anymore, I collapsed into my words..."I miss you, too."

Before I knew it, twenty minutes had passed. And just as soon as he came back to me, he was gone. I opened my eyes to wake from the dream. Only, there was one problem:

I had never been asleep.

Four months of silence. Four months! It only took twenty minutes to send my recovery into a spiral. I thought I was beginning to write a new chapter. That weekend had helped me close everything up. He must have felt me letting go. I had seen some of my favorite people on the face of this earth, listened to a great friend tear up the stage at Island Party, and just all around felt free.

Wait...I should've known better. Life has a funny way of pulling the rug out from under me. And I have a funny way of forgetting that. Just as soon as I get comfortable, I find myself flat on my face with no strength to pick myself up.

So, what now? Where do you go from here?

Here you come again
Just when I've begun to get myself together
You waltz right in the door
Just like you've done before
And wrap my heart 'round your little finger

Here you come again
Just when I'm about to make it work without you
You look into my eyes
And lie those pretty lies
And pretty soon I'm wonderin' how I came to doubt you

All you have to do is smile that smile
And there go all my defenses
Just leave it up to you and in a little while
You're messin' up my mind and fillin' up my senses

It's another daily battle that I have to, reluctantly, fight alone. All the advice in the world can't help me let go. It can't help me hold on. I don't know what's best. Only one Person does. And so far, He's been rather silent.

...all I know is here you come again
and here I go....

...all i know is that i should...

It's pretty unreal just how fast the time has gone by. I've been here since November 11, 2007 at 5: 42 a.m. and I can't figure where the past 5 months have gone.

I should be packing my bags in one month and 2 weeks to go home, but I don't think even Houdini could pull that off. I've received two very enticing offers to come home to. Both start on June 1. There's just so much at stake and I want to do it right this time. Maybe I can pull it off, but maybe I can't...who knows. Anything is possible.

In exactly one month, my best friend will be married. Wow. I can't seem to get my mind wrapped around that concept. It came so fast...too fast. There's just not enough time. Am I excited for her? Absolutely. Whatever makes her happy, makes me happy. I think just the thought of marriage in general terrifies me.

And in the same breath, my heart is aching. I've never taken this long to bounce back from a fall this hard. Its like he doesn't say a word, but he won't leave me alone. I see his mouth in a TV interview, I see his truck pass me on the interstate, I hear his laugh down the hall at work. He's giving me those amazing hugs through my friends. He's playing every song that comes up on my iPod. I have no escape. I just want to be free...I just want to move on...

I think I'm in hate with myself. I think I made a subconscious decision to just let go of everything that was important to me the minute I walked through this door. I feel numb to what should matter. I miss the comfort of a little porch swing in East Nashville and the beauty of my most amazing mentor showering love all over me on a daily basis. I long for dinner with my bests at jackson's on the patio with sunglasses on and a nice breeze and discussing our shoes and insecurities. I'm dying for some sort of community where I can pour my heart out and in turn be encouraged to make a difference.

I found a church that brings me life. I found it in December, but have only made a trip to it once a month, seeing as its 2 hours away from me. And how excited was I that they announced last Sunday a "Styles Your Soles" party! TOMS is a huge chunk of my heart. I can't wait. May 18. The Loft in The Woodlands. 1 p.m. I'm there!

I feel like these never make much sense...I don't think I'm a good "blogger". Everyone else seems to be funny or write about specific topics or at least make points. I tend to jut type until I feel better.

I don't know who I am, who I am with out you...

...waiting for my real life to begin...

The past few weeks have been pretty interesting. I'm learning more and more about how important the people I choose to call my family (my friends), are to me. One is planning a wedding, one a funeral, one is having a baby, and others are preparing to graduate college. And they all ask me to play a part. Me? Seriously? For some reason, I am great at organizing and preparing other people's events and lives down to the last detail. I just can't seem to get my own straight. Until now.

I'm making executive decisions on who I want to be, what I want to be doing, where I want to be doing it, and whom I want to be doing it with. (That sounded mildly promiscuous.) It's hard to change your lifestyle when it's been determined for you for so long. But I'm doing it. My eating habits are much better. My workouts are intense. And I'm already reaping the benefits. Our bridesmaid's dresses got in yesterday. Mine is too big. YES!! What a great feeling!!

I've also come to conclusion that I am SO much better off without Super Power Boy. Everyone tried to warn me from the start that he would break my heart. And he did. Carelessly. There's no more room for people who treat me like this in my life. At least not like that. I'm done. And I'm glad! I deserve better.

As far as what I want to be doing, that's been apparent to me for about 3 years now. Music Industry. So, now it's just working to get back where I need to be. I'm glad that I have a famlee and great friends that are ready to open their arms back up to me when I get back, and maybe even some new friends for coffee (RJTrue?). Nashville is my home. It's where I choose to hang my hat at the end of the day. Temporary Hiatus, but always home.

Random side note: I've started carrying a purse. I realized that my clutch can only hold so much for me and eventually I'm gonna lose something. I forgot how sore my shoulder gets when I carry a purse! There's gotta be some happy medium. Maybe I was meant to carry small bags. Who knows?

I hope St. Patrick's Day was wonderful for you all. It's one of my favorite holidays. I'm spending it in Chicago next year. I want to see the river dyed green. FUN! Spring officially starts tomorrow. Mmmmm shorts. Which reminds me...I need to go workout.