...you're shakin' me up so...

I had the craziest dream on Sunday. It really was strange. I was driving home with my favorite friend after one of the best weekends I've had since being back in Texas. Then, my phone started ringing; playing a song I haven't heard in quite a while. It was his song. It was SPB.

I panicked. I hesitated. I looked at my friend, then down at my phone. It seemed as if the phone had been ringing for an hour. In a fit of every emotion a human can feel all at once, I hit the answer button. Then, I hear it. His voice...and it was like he was never gone. The first words out of his mouth? "I'm sorry." I felt numb. My heart sank as he filled me in on what has kept him at an arm's length. And at the same time I felt upset when he muttered that he missed me. Every word out of his mouth was a searing pain and a soaring joy. I laughed. I listened. I closed my eyes. I held my breath. He said it again: "I really do miss you." And with no strength to fight anymore, I collapsed into my words..."I miss you, too."

Before I knew it, twenty minutes had passed. And just as soon as he came back to me, he was gone. I opened my eyes to wake from the dream. Only, there was one problem:

I had never been asleep.

Four months of silence. Four months! It only took twenty minutes to send my recovery into a spiral. I thought I was beginning to write a new chapter. That weekend had helped me close everything up. He must have felt me letting go. I had seen some of my favorite people on the face of this earth, listened to a great friend tear up the stage at Island Party, and just all around felt free.

Wait...I should've known better. Life has a funny way of pulling the rug out from under me. And I have a funny way of forgetting that. Just as soon as I get comfortable, I find myself flat on my face with no strength to pick myself up.

So, what now? Where do you go from here?

Here you come again
Just when I've begun to get myself together
You waltz right in the door
Just like you've done before
And wrap my heart 'round your little finger

Here you come again
Just when I'm about to make it work without you
You look into my eyes
And lie those pretty lies
And pretty soon I'm wonderin' how I came to doubt you

All you have to do is smile that smile
And there go all my defenses
Just leave it up to you and in a little while
You're messin' up my mind and fillin' up my senses

It's another daily battle that I have to, reluctantly, fight alone. All the advice in the world can't help me let go. It can't help me hold on. I don't know what's best. Only one Person does. And so far, He's been rather silent.

...all I know is here you come again
and here I go....

...all i know is that i should...

It's pretty unreal just how fast the time has gone by. I've been here since November 11, 2007 at 5: 42 a.m. and I can't figure where the past 5 months have gone.

I should be packing my bags in one month and 2 weeks to go home, but I don't think even Houdini could pull that off. I've received two very enticing offers to come home to. Both start on June 1. There's just so much at stake and I want to do it right this time. Maybe I can pull it off, but maybe I can't...who knows. Anything is possible.

In exactly one month, my best friend will be married. Wow. I can't seem to get my mind wrapped around that concept. It came so fast...too fast. There's just not enough time. Am I excited for her? Absolutely. Whatever makes her happy, makes me happy. I think just the thought of marriage in general terrifies me.

And in the same breath, my heart is aching. I've never taken this long to bounce back from a fall this hard. Its like he doesn't say a word, but he won't leave me alone. I see his mouth in a TV interview, I see his truck pass me on the interstate, I hear his laugh down the hall at work. He's giving me those amazing hugs through my friends. He's playing every song that comes up on my iPod. I have no escape. I just want to be free...I just want to move on...

I think I'm in hate with myself. I think I made a subconscious decision to just let go of everything that was important to me the minute I walked through this door. I feel numb to what should matter. I miss the comfort of a little porch swing in East Nashville and the beauty of my most amazing mentor showering love all over me on a daily basis. I long for dinner with my bests at jackson's on the patio with sunglasses on and a nice breeze and discussing our shoes and insecurities. I'm dying for some sort of community where I can pour my heart out and in turn be encouraged to make a difference.

I found a church that brings me life. I found it in December, but have only made a trip to it once a month, seeing as its 2 hours away from me. And how excited was I that they announced last Sunday a "Styles Your Soles" party! TOMS is a huge chunk of my heart. I can't wait. May 18. The Loft in The Woodlands. 1 p.m. I'm there!

I feel like these never make much sense...I don't think I'm a good "blogger". Everyone else seems to be funny or write about specific topics or at least make points. I tend to jut type until I feel better.

I don't know who I am, who I am with out you...