...waiting for my real life to begin...

The past few weeks have been pretty interesting. I'm learning more and more about how important the people I choose to call my family (my friends), are to me. One is planning a wedding, one a funeral, one is having a baby, and others are preparing to graduate college. And they all ask me to play a part. Me? Seriously? For some reason, I am great at organizing and preparing other people's events and lives down to the last detail. I just can't seem to get my own straight. Until now.

I'm making executive decisions on who I want to be, what I want to be doing, where I want to be doing it, and whom I want to be doing it with. (That sounded mildly promiscuous.) It's hard to change your lifestyle when it's been determined for you for so long. But I'm doing it. My eating habits are much better. My workouts are intense. And I'm already reaping the benefits. Our bridesmaid's dresses got in yesterday. Mine is too big. YES!! What a great feeling!!

I've also come to conclusion that I am SO much better off without Super Power Boy. Everyone tried to warn me from the start that he would break my heart. And he did. Carelessly. There's no more room for people who treat me like this in my life. At least not like that. I'm done. And I'm glad! I deserve better.

As far as what I want to be doing, that's been apparent to me for about 3 years now. Music Industry. So, now it's just working to get back where I need to be. I'm glad that I have a famlee and great friends that are ready to open their arms back up to me when I get back, and maybe even some new friends for coffee (RJTrue?). Nashville is my home. It's where I choose to hang my hat at the end of the day. Temporary Hiatus, but always home.

Random side note: I've started carrying a purse. I realized that my clutch can only hold so much for me and eventually I'm gonna lose something. I forgot how sore my shoulder gets when I carry a purse! There's gotta be some happy medium. Maybe I was meant to carry small bags. Who knows?

I hope St. Patrick's Day was wonderful for you all. It's one of my favorite holidays. I'm spending it in Chicago next year. I want to see the river dyed green. FUN! Spring officially starts tomorrow. Mmmmm shorts. Which reminds me...I need to go workout.

...what's a painter supposed to do...

Let me just start this out by saying this:

I'm ridiculous. Period. But these are things about myself that I'm learning and I figure "why not share?"

I'm obsessed with music. It is most of my being and what I love to be a part of. Over the past month, I've been compiling a playlist for my best friend's wedding reception and have loved it. Seriously? I get to create the soundtrack to one of the most important days in her life? Um, yes please! Even outside of just this one situation, I love making mix cd's for my friends. I love picking songs that they might not particularly listen to or have even heard of. I love placing them in an orderly fashion to generate certain emotions. Sometimes, I'm convinced that I should be one of the people who picks songs for movies. I think I would love it. Anyways, in making this specific playlist and a cd for a new friend of mine, I've discovered my favorite thing about music.

Have you ever listened to a song and were immediately transported to a different time or place? It's almost as if you close your eyes and BAM! you're boarding a plane to NYC or sitting at a bistro table with a cappucino in Paris, France. I love this feeling. A good friend of mine, Brandon Heath, has a song called "The Likes of You" that anytime I hear, this feeling overwhelms me. Almost instantaneously, I'm walking through tall grass, in a flowy sundress with long, gorgeous hair (which I don't have) accompanied by the man of my dreams (who's face isn't quite clear...damn). We're walking, sort of casually running, towards a large tree that a porch style swing is hanging from. Not a single cloud in the sky and the sun is slowly setting and there's a combination of heat and a cool breeze. Just perfect. And all we do is sit there and swing throughout the duration of the song. And just as soon as it started, its over.

Of course, I have a very active imagination, but I know someone out there can relate to just how fascinating music can be in our lives.



Moving on to another thing I find interesting about myself. I'm sure most girls understand this predicament. Body image. Yes, I'm going there. This morning, I found myself mildly content with my body, but complaining about my arms. Now, I find it just the opposite. I'm in a wedding in 2 months and 6 days. I just want to feel pretty walking down the aisle...even though the day is no where near being anything about me. I think every girl has a desire to be pretty at a wedding. Even if we're not in it, do we not worry about what we'll wear? Do we not worry about who we'll be going with? Why do we put up so much of a fuss over one day? (If you're the bride, you have every reason to. Otherwise, why?)


Now here's one thing I'm tired of. Britney Spears. Why is our media so fascinated with her. I just had the TV guide channel up trying to find something to entertain me now that Law & Order is off the air. They were talking about how Britney hit her head on a beam while walking out of a door. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Who cares? First of all, since when does the TV guide channel need programming? I only want to find something better. I'm not sticking around. Tell the host of The Bachelor to stick to being "the host of The Bachelor." Secondly, do you really think I care if she hit her head? I cut my finger today, and sure, I'm not a celebrity, but honestly, I think people care as much about my finger and her head. I just don't understand the whole ordeal. She needs to be in a metal rehabilitation program and just stay there until they've figured out what's wrong with her. I honestly do feel sorry for the girl, I'm just tired of hearing about her. We've got much more important things to worry about...such as the Invisible Children in Africa or even the Presidential elections. Bah.

Okay...stepping off my soapbox.


I think I've found a date for the wedding, and I couldn't be happier. I love introducing friends from different places to each other. I think he'll fit in just fine. But at the same time, he will always stand out.

...safe til st. patrick's day...

I think, for sure, February is the best month to get your heart broken. Random thought, I know, but I'm certain it's true. If I can stand to see so many happy couples and still be okay with not having a "love of my own," nothing can hurt me.

The beauty of a broken heart, in my opinion, comes in dissecting it. I've spent the past couple of weeks in a very introspective mode trying to figure out why I am the way I am. And I thought I had it penned down when the words of a friend confirmed my every thought.

I am a mistress.
No, not like that. Let me explain.

I will do anything to take care of the guy that I truly care about. I'll feed him. I'll make creative gifts for him. I'll take him shopping to show him what looks best on him. I'll send him little notes with gift cards. I'll help him when he needs help at his house. I'll take care of his friends and make sure they feel welcome when they come to town. I'll bring him soup when he's sick and rub his back after a bad day. I'll show up at his work with his favorite treat for no reason at all. I'll do everything in my power to keep a smile on his face. In doing this, I've found that the guy usually gets used to it and, in turn, becomes needful of my time and attention which I, of course, am more than willing to give. He starts to turn to me for advice or to call me when new things are happening in his life that he's excited about. I start to feel comfortable with the casual flirting and the back and forth of it all when...it happens.

I get the call.
The one that brings me to my knees.
He's in love.
But not with me.

But of course, he still wants all the benefits that come with being my person of interest, just without the "person of interest" part. There's awkward tension between the girlfriend and I because, although we weren't "dating", he still considers me to be one of his best friends and I'm sure that he tells her the things I do for him that she, of course, does not. And at the end of the day, I'm the mistress. I'm the woman he needs, but not the woman he wants. And he, just like the ones before him, is too blind to see this.

And its not always the girl thing. Sometimes, its just that they don't want a relationship or worse yet, me. Which is more like this last thing, for sure. And like I've said...that's okay. It hurts less and less each day. And that's all I really want.

I know that one day some lucky guy will see me for what I am and not only need me but want me. For now, I'm just trying to figure out the balance of being a good friend and crossing the line. Hey, I have to remember to guard my heart too, right?


It's cold outside. Nothing make me happier than the cold. Something about big sweatshirts, hot chocolate and a nice brisk breeze to make me feel warm and fuzzy inside...contradictory as that seems...