...it's just a shame to let you walk away...

I love meeting new people. It's kind of an addiction of mine. I love to know where people come from, what makes them tick and what type of personality they have. The one thing I ask to everyone I meet is this: If you could have any super power in the world, what would yours be and why? It's really neat to hear each individual's answers and to match that with their rationalization of said power.

Once upon a time, I met a boy. When I asked this boy what his power of choice would be, he responded like no other person I've met in my life. Sure, flying is common. And I get a lot of mind reading or super-human strength nods. But this boy said that out of every option of any power in the whole wide world, he would choose this: to be able to give as many hugs to as many people as humanly possible for the rest of his life. WHAT? Amazing, I know. It absolutely floored me. I had no idea that night at the Grille, but this boy would forever change my world in every beautiful way possible.

In - I want to say - the seventh grade, I went through a program at my church called "True Love Waits." For those who aren't familiar, it's a celibacy agreement saying you won't have sex until you're wedding night. In this class, they made us write down a list of what we considered our perfect soulmate. I found that list the other day when cleaning my old room from high school. I've changed a lot since then. I don't act the same and I certainly don't wear over-alls anymore, but, that list is still everything that I want in my husband.

After getting to know "Super Power" boy, I've learned that we share a lot of interests: sports, leisure, movies, music, etc. He is one of my greatest friends. I have no problem talking to him about anything. And forgive me, but I am a girl. Even though I consider myself a guy's girl through and through, sometimes my feelings have a mind of their own and take control. And I did the unthinkable. I fell for "Super Power" boy.

I had a great chat with my best friend last week. I finally was honest with her about my feelings and what's been going on in my life...I tend to bottle up my emotions and problems and push them to the side so I don't have to deal with them. In sharing these issues with her, I finally was honest with myself in saying that my heart is broken. After finding that list, I realized that "Super Power" boy has every characteristic of my ideal soulmate. Sad thing is, for one reason or another, I haven't talked to him since just after Christmas. Sure, he's in Tennessee and I'm currently in Texas, and yeah, we're both pretty busy people. But that's never stopped us before. We were together a lot during my last weeks before coming here. That's okay. Maybe it's for the best.

So now I find myself in the "what do I do now" predicament.

Tara-Leigh Cobble, a friend of mine and very talented writer, in her book "Here's to Hindsight" had this to say: "In my experience, the inherent problem with male-female friendships is this: girls tend to fall for familiarity, and guys tend to fall for mystery. As the girl gets to know her guy friend better and learns about his character, he becomes more and more attractive to her; meanwhile she becomes less mysterious and intriguing to him, and she slowly sinks into the quicksand of 'Just-Friends Land'."

Pretty smart, right?

Girls, when they're younger, love to write their names with a boy of interest's last name or to put KB hearts CH on their notebooks. I always felt risqué in knowing that I had a class with CH 4th period and maybe he would see my notebook. And although I haven't done that in a long, long while, I feel like I had carved "Super Power" boy's name on the door of my heart.

The thing is there will never be a time when I'll be more honest, when my convictions will be stronger, or when my motives will be more pure than they are right now. So I'll paint over my words and start a new story. The words I wrote, the urgency I felt will always be there underneath the paint. The love I professed will always be there - the spark of something undeniable, a seed of hope, the truth, for better or for worse - burning fiercely under the surface.

"I'll tear myself away
If that is what you need
There is nothing left to say
But

Is there a chance?
A fragment of light at the end of the tunnel?
A reason to fight?
Is there a chance you may change your mind?
Or are we ashes and wine?"

My only thought is what color paint I should get....

...feet nailed to the floor...

I've seen so much Law & Order in the past week that I think I could commit the perfect crime AND get away with it.

Okay, maybe not, but I really have seen a lot. Nothing new to some, I suppose, but it definitely has given me so much perspective. I've caught myself more than once wanting to change the channel during the middle part and only watching the ending to see the outcome: the bad guy gets caught...some witty comment from Detective Stabler...justice, truth, answers.

Here's the tie in - my life is far from perfect. There have been some amazing times and I know what I want to do and where I want to be. But the Lord has a different plan. One that I have still yet to understand, and maybe I never will. I catch myself dreaming of what my life should be and waking up the nightmare of knowing I'm not where I want to be. I want to fast forward to my next great adventure. Give up the here and now, not caring who that hurts because, well, my life is about me. Then, I get mad at myself for being so selfish. But should I?

I've let myself be walked over time and time again here. It seems I can't do anything right. I'm not good enough. Yes, these are all lies that I've allowed myself to believe, but regardless, it's how I feel. So much is expected from me, but I have so little to give.

If I close my eyes tight enough, I can feel the breeze and smell the beginning of fall from a little porch swing in East Nashville. I can almost hear the hustle and bustle from a back booth in Fido. Why? Because that's where I left my heart.

I'm in a wedding and I have to look top notch in my dress. 97 days.

The other thing that Law & Order has taught me is that I have a major crush on Stabler.