...change is gonna come...

There's been a lot going on. And that is the biggest understatement of my life. I'll update you later, but for now...got a new blog...it's for funsies. I'll still do my "theraputic writing" here.

check it if you like.

www.krystinbehannon.tumblr.com

...there's a war outside my heart and mind...

Oh, hey. Good to see you. It's been a while. Things going good? Great!

A lot has been happening the past month or so here in Texas. A lot of good, a little indifferent, but not too much bad - with the exception of the weather, of course....hello, spring in southeast texas. While I've got you, I guess I'll go ahead and fill you in.

For about two months, I've been having these very vivid dreams where I'm sitting at some of my favorite places with my favorite places in Nashville...Jackson's with Rachel, Fido with Stoltz, Centennial with Jess, etc...and every time it turns into a sort of scene from "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" and things start slowly popping out of the picture until suddenly I'm standing in a white room. When I turn around, I face a group of about 5-8 of my juniors - both guys and girls from both Young Life & Youth Group. No one says anything...but they're all looking at me like they're waiting on an answer. And then I wake up. So confused, I pray. Two words that were first heard as a whisper and are now a sure and peaceful reassurance: not yet. I will admit: I was not happy at first. I couldn't believe that He would want me to wait even longer, further putting off my dreams and hopes and loves. I know that He makes all things work together for my good, but I just couldn't see the good in this. But a week went by and I prayed and realized my selfishness "not mine, but your will" ...it's not the seniors, it's not the sophomores. It's just the juniors. They've opened their hearts and let me in. They've allowed me to invest in them and in turn have taught me so much. So, one more year. One more year to stand beside them and cheer them on as they journey into "life as we know it". One more year to spend with my family. One more year to hang out with my best friends. One more year to really taste and see that the Lord is good.

Today, I leave for Dallas. It will be my second time there in two months. It is my best friend's birthday weekend extravaganza. I love traveling. I love getting to spend time with friends that I don't normally get to see. I'm just hoping for good weather.

It's been a long time since I've been really challenged in my faith; learning new things, yes...but challenged, not so much. By some circumstance that I'll never understand, the Lord has plopped a woman into my life who is challenging me to think. To think about my beliefs and why I really believe them. And it is so refreshing. Needless to say, I think I'm gonna be racking up some more southwest points this year.

There's a lot going on inside my mind. And I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to do with all of my thoughts. But for now, I know that it is enough.

...you got some kinda nerve...

With each new day on this earth, I learn something new about myself. Sometimes, though, I'm just refreshed as to certain personality traits that I have. Over the past three months, I've seen one of the core truths of who I am come into the spotlight and shine brighter than anything else in me.

This truth is: I cannot stand stupid people.

Obvious statement? Yes. Yes, it is. Let me expound to you for a moment. We all know the state of my heart in regards to my high school friends. I love them. I love them without fail. I count myself very fortunate to be able to work with them on a consistent weekly basis (four days a week; twice with Young Life and twice with Youth Group). I love my fellow Young Life leaders. They are kids at heart, just like me. And I get along with most of the Youth Group workers, even if a lot of their beliefs are swinging to the far, far right. To each his own. I've encountered a woman, however, who is really giving me a challenge. She is just about as ignorant as they come. No, really. She's the kind of woman who makes you mad to be a woman. Or, if any fellas (really, krystin?) read this, she's the kind of woman who makes you cringe when you hear her name. uuuuughgghhhh....heebie jeebies.

Moving on, she seems to think that she is better than me....which I can assure you, she is not. That is problem numero uno for me. I can't stand people who think that they are so worthy of everything that they get. I have made solid connections with my high school girls. I've invested precious time and lots of money into making sure that they are happy, have someone to talk to and so they know that they are loved. They, for reasons I cannot explain, think I'm cool (I can assure you, I am not). But she (the woman) can't stand that. It's a competition for her, which I highly detest. You can't put the opinions of vulnerable 15-18 year old girls up as bait for your own benefit. It's sadistic and it's wrong. Any idea I have, she is the first one to shoot it down. She is the first one to accuse me of living a less-than-righteous lifestyle (which is the very essence of why me and christianity don't always get along. How can you claim to be a Jesus-follower when all you do is point the finger? But, I digress). And what's weird to think is there is a time when we were good friends. Real good friends. But, she decided to steal the rug from right under my feet and I chose to, rather than fight, walk away. So, she comes begging for forgiveness wrapping her apology with "but it's not my fault that you misunderstood me"...which is not an apology. Lady Shanks-a-lot. I, in time, forgave her. But things never were the same. Which is fine by me. I still wanted nothing to do with her, mainly because she lies to make herself look better in front of the girls. Again, I detest that. Is your life that meaningless that you look to the approval of 15-18 year old girls? I love them, but their opinion of me doesn't matter. My goal, on a daily basis, is to love them so that they can see the love of the Father. These girls know that I make bad choices sometimes. They know that I have not always done what is "right." But one thing that they know for sure is that I would never, under any circumstance, lie to them about anything.

The end. Not. I get an occasional text from her- which I consider a cop out, as far as means of communication are concerned - saying that basically I'm a horrible role model for being "worldly." WHAT?!?! Did you really need to go there. Which is always followed by an "I'm not trying to make you mad, I just think you should know" type of text. Again, Lady Shanks-a-lot. Sunday morning was one of my girl's birthday. So I brought cupcakes. I was told to wait til afterword to hand them out. Then, conveniently, time ran out. No cupcakes were given (see also: me being out $30) and I was given a look that read "haha. I win." Go ahead, take it. I spent the rest of the day with that girl talking and laughing and celebrating her life. What did you do? Nothing? Congrats. Again. You win. You always do.

I mean, I really hope she doesn't want to put her life up against mine as a contest. Because even though I think it's a ridiculous idea, I know I would win. Hands down. I've been further, seen more, met more, have done more than she could ever dream of. She's married to a man that she consistently argues with (again, we were real good friends...you don't want to be on my bad side when I've seen who you truly are) and has two children that make her feel tied down (her words, not mine).

I'm over it. She's not worth my time. And yes, I did tell her that. I just needed it to be completely off my chest so I don't have to worry about it anymore. Time is too valuable.

In other news, I get my tax refund this week. Hello iPhone. I can't wait to join the masses. Phone bill, not so much a fan of, but I digress. Time to be a big girl. I've lived a year and a half with no bills. I think I can take it.

Loving the new Fray record. Get it. Was on the fence. Now, I love it.

No more drama.

...your best intentions may not be enough...

I learn something new everyday. There is, however, one thing that seems to be resonating with me here lately...and that is: (for the most part) all people are the same. If nothing else, people are all the same in my life. Everyone I know, with the exception of two, have let me down (but those two are perfect, so it doesn't really count.) It seems like everyone likes to watch me hurt, and for some reason, the jokes on me. Tonight, I was slapped by the reality that the one person in my life who has consistently been an image of strength, hope, persistence, and encouragement now falls into that category of "everyone I know."

It hurts to know that not only was I lied to, but this woman lied to my face. I've never been anything less than honest with her. I've never been so hurt in all of my life. And to find out the way I did, it feels like I've been kicked in the stomach.

The only thing I've ever asked was to be a part of people's lives. To not be there for this is the worst. I feel betrayed. And it's ruining my weekend.